Hard Decisions

So there comes a time in every one's life where they have to make a decision and sometimes those decisions are hard. Right now I am going through one of those times. I made a decision almost 8 years ago to not speak with my mother, father, sister and brother. Now at that time it was not as if I just decided that I didn't feel like talking to them any more it was more like I was over a lot of the BS they were putting me through. You get to a point where going to court to defend yourself once a week is pretty ridiculous.

So on with my life I went by my side I had my sister Jen and Ree and my niece Faith. That was all that was left of our family after the split as far as I was concerned. Of course we had extended family who stood with us through out this time and actually supported us in one way shape or form. Many of whom have become closer to me than I had ever imagined. And although they have filled the role of mother or father sister and brother. I still every so often would think about the family that I had out there that I no longer spoke with. But like all bad memories I pushed it to the back of my mind and moved on. In those eight years a lot has changed, no longer am I the scared child who if you said boo I would burst into tears. In her place I would like to think is a strong independent woman who is not so much afraid of nothing but instead realizes that no one can hurt me unless I let them.

I have also married a terrific man who loves me and who has supported me in all decisions that I have made. Believe me when I was being pushed into telling him about my family that was the last thing I wanted to do for fear that he would run screaming for the hills. He didn't for which I am eternally grateful. When I pictured my wedding as a child I always pictured what every little girl dreams of the big wedding the father giving her away the family all smiling and happy. Now I am not regretting the way me and David got married not at all I am actually glad it was the way it was. We have been married for over four years now and I am very happy, although again there are times I reflect and start to feel like maybe I was missing something when I did get married but again I pushed it to the back of my mind and moved on.

Then I welcomed my first child into the world, Shayna was a miracle baby in more ways than one for me as I had a lot of complications through out the pregnancy however she was tougher than we thought and made it the whole nine months. Never had I been more happier than I was at that moment. However again it was another milestone in my life that I thought something was missing but I couldn't figure out what. I had a great family who stepped in for the roles of grandma and grandpa and I couldn't of asked for better people. But again thoughts would pop into my head that something was missing. Here I was with a great little girl a husband who loved me and family all around and still I was missing something.

Along came my next bundle of joy Makayla and if Shayna was a difficult pregnancy Makayla was a difficult delivery. I had nothing but problems from the time I walked into the hospital until I walked out and had to go back in. Makayla was a stubborn little thing who evidently did not like the fact the doctors were telling her when to come. Unfortunately with this great moment of happiness also came a great moment of scariness for myself and my family. After I left the hospital with Makayla I was readmitted with congestive heart failure due to to much fluid that the hospital had pumped into me while in labor. It was a scary couple of days in the hospital and I was missing my girls.

I also realized very quickly that yes I had many people come to visit me who loved me and were concerned about everything going on, however something was missing. I want to say it didn't matter but I think deep down it did matter and I again just pushed it to the back of my mind. I have discovered that I am very good at suppressing allot of my emotions I do it all the time. I have a habit of bottling it all up and then exploding. I have never really talked to anyone about my feelings in regards to my parents or my brother and sister. I think the big reason is because it hurts at times.

Now I am not saying I want to run into their arms and welcome them back with open arms or anything like that but there are times when I wonder what the past 8 years would have been like. Lately I have been getting pressure from allot of different people to forgive my mother and give her a chance. I keep hearing I can't blame her for the sins of my father and stuff like that. But as a mother I think back to all the times when she stood by him instead of me. I think back through all of my childhood and even up to the split and I think wow just once why couldn't she choose her children over him.

I know that if I were to call her tomorrow and say I want to reconnect with her and only her, it may start out with just her but how long before she tried to force him on me? How long before it is another choice between him and her child and she chooses him again? Can I live with the chose she makes? Can I put myself out there again only to be disappointed when it does become about him and what he wants? Can I put my children in that position? These are the decisions I am having to make and it is starting to weigh very heavy on my shoulders that I do not know what to do.I have many people who tell me I can talk to them any time but none can truly understand all that I am going through or all that is going through my mind. What do I do?